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Another attractive feature is that, because it is written by me, I’ve been able to take certain “artistic liberties” in order to make me seem more “good.” I was born in 1960 in Petoskey, MI. No jury would have convicted me once I showed them evidence she had stolen my baseball and left it out in the rain. Reviewing what I’ve just written, I’m concerned that I’m not coming off as well as I intended.
I deny that when I was 3 my mother had to pin a note to my sweater that said “please do not feed Bruce cheese.” Stories about me being 6 years-old and getting beaten up by a little girl 2 years younger miss the point that she was a very mean little girl.
Okay, I’ve gotten negative again, which seems to happen whenever I stray too close to what might irresponsibly be called “truth.” Back to what matters: after turning down offers to join the Rolling Stones, to quarterback for the Miami Dolphins, or to be given France, I settled in for a remarkable stint as a college student who could write complex essays with such ease that professors often said it was as if I hadn’t even read the book I was writing about.In fact, it was so well maintained that it would be easy to conclude I’d never even worn it, except for the fact that all of my classmates remember me running for touchdown after touchdown, often hopping on one foot just to make it more fair.I was so talented that even the other team would cheer for me, and often both the offense and defense would leave the field, figuring it would be more entertaining for the crowd to just sit there and watch me run around. My date to senior prom was the cast of Charlie’s Angels, except of course for that Bosley guy, and probably also not Shelley Hack because that perfume commercial still haunts me to this day. Actually I’m 25, so whenever you have to be born in order to be 25, that’s when I was born. All right, so I was born and was very adorable, a condition that persists to this day.I should probably delete the above paragraph and start over, except that as a professional writer, I strive to be lazy.